And it’s not the economy. I think it is in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Please check out this video and here one alternative opinion to those that you will hear in the mainstream media. An update is coming soon, soon, soon, but right now this is really important.

Peace to one and all.

The curtains in my room now are white and blue. Just like the flags of almost all the countries of Central America. I have found where my heart lies…it lies there for now because it is what I know. But beyond a geographical location, my heart lies with all the people in this world whose reality forces them to make choices out of inhumane options in seeking a better future. We have created the systems that provide the poor of this world with only bad choices to choose from. 

I may not be making sense right now because I cannot process what I have just witnessed. A window into a reality I have glimpsed from afar but never touched. A part of me wants to touch it, to really feel it, to KNOW because I was there. The other part wants to never get close enough to really being there because then I will know that I have been taken in and it takes a lifetime to get out, if you somehow find an almost invisible way out. 

I usually bawl watching a movie like this. I can feel the pain and connect the dots to the reality that thousands of people actually experience. But this time it was so close and so real, I was only left without a word to say and only wishing I could leave this country of mine that draws the people of Central America to it as if it were one of those fly zappers, ready and waiting for its next victims. I want to tell everyone there to stay. Don’t leave your beautiful countries. But then am I condemning them to starve, to die a far too early death? All I can do now is sleep and pray for the strength and the courage to continue to fight to change the hearts and minds that will lead us to change the world in a way that will allow the poor and all of us to have good choices to choose from. Help me, help us all, dear God.

My longing for nourishment of my heart and soul come from deep within and I still don’t understand all I have felt in the past few weeks. I have had one rare moment of yelling and screaming at God and then a little later realizing how dumb that was for all I was yelling at God for had nothing to do with God but rather with me, my choices, and my pain. I needed that moment though and I know God will forgive me for it. It was purging of an anger at the pain and loss I was feeling. 

I have reflected so much recently on this transition and have come to some realizations but I have ultimately decided I need to start letting go of my idea of my time in Nicaragua as the only way to live and stop comparing it to L.A. My time in the U.S. will always be different from time I spend outside of the U.S. I need to cherish all I have experienced, but open my heart to new possibilities. Life is confusing but I am so fortunate that my existential moments of crisis are my crisis. I have so much and I must continue to be grateful for these things and never forget that my privilege must move me to fight for justice for those who are oppressed, victims of injustice, and those who only live in violence and fear.

Pray for me as I work through putting a lot of pressure on myself, balancing free time and work, and still missing that boy in Nicaragua who has stolen my heart.

   I didn’t like what I felt. I have never lived nor visited a city this big, and the comfort of living in a place like Nicaragua was in part due to a smaller feeling of the city in Managua and just more manageable to the senses. I still cannot get over the fact that there are more than 3 times the number of people in L.A. than in the whole country of Nicaragua. And then I got my first taste of the traffic.  I HATE THE TRAFFIC. I don’t know that I’ll ever really accept it as normal although I suppose after a year and half I will have to be used to it. We’ll see. Only time will tell.

My first afternoon in Los Angeles, and the next almost two weeks after that, my co-worker, Lucy, took me where I needed to go. We had Thai food in East L.A. for a late lunch, early dinner and I was loving that all the store front signs around me were almost exclusively in Spanish. We headed to meet Paul at the house where I am now living now in Echo Park. I felt good about the house and hoped it work out. During the meeting, Lucy also asked if Paul knew anyone who was selling their car. He did and it ended up getting me the car I have now. Then we went to the house where I would stay for the first two weeks in L.A. Grace is a friend of Lucy’s and was gracious enough to allow me to stay there with her and her daughter, in her daughter’s room. I felt awkward about sleeping in her daughter’s bed but they told me not to worry about it. It’s hard not to feel awkward when the bed you are supposed to sleep in is covered with stuffed animals and the walls are plastered with pages ripped out of teeney-bopper magazines with pictures of the stars of “High School Musical.” But the plus is I had a place to stay and at least a beautiful view in the mornings to look at as I ate breakfast. 

My first weekend in L.A. I will not forget because of where Grace took me that Saturday night: to see the “premiere” of a movie/DVD called “Rosary Stars.” To me the title tells all.  Although in the moment I tried to watch and absorb the moment in the least painful way possible, it was a painful 2+ hours. Ok maybe not painful, but something so out of my range of experience and not really easyt for me relate to, and just kind of boring and long. It is an educational/instructional video about the prayer of the Rosary and the joyful, luminous, sorrowful, and joyous mysteries of Mary and Jesus. Many stars, actors, baseball, football, and soccer players, and a Rwandan who survived the genocide there and has written a book about her experience all shared personal testimonies related to the mystery they read from. And then the Rosary was prayed in its entirety, slow, and with a computerized image of a Rosary on screen, with beads that lit up as each bead was prayed. The movie didn’t make me want to become Catholic, but at least I got a glimpse into an important piece of Catholic culture and ritual.

Since I arrived, and still after a little over a month of being here and almost three weeks of being in the same house and settled into my own room, I still feel out of place. Out of place like a fish out of water. Lonely and longing something a little less L.A.-ish. I am struggling with the fact I did not have any friends or relatives here that I could call on or get together with. I am struggling to learn my way around the city and all the connected metropolitan sprawling areas around L.A. proper. I am missing Abel DEEPLY and Nicaragua and all those who became my community there more than I thought I would have. I am missing something here badly. I haven’t been able to pinpoint either what I can do to pull me out of those rough moments where all I wang to do is run away and/or cry. The city and culture here is just VERY isolating to me. I’m working on feeling more a part of it and not just an outsider visitor. It’s gonna take some time. Belinda in a chat online recently said this to me: “Remember, humans experience change as loss - it is both our gift and our curse – what sets us apart from other animals! Go easy and care for yourself.” I will continue to try to do just that.

Here is the text of the prayer (as taken from http://www.streetprophets.com/storyonly/2009/1/20/2230/97077) and the video of him reading the prayer, which is essential to watch if you want to get the full feeling of his words.  Enjoy!

“God of our weary years, god of our silent tears, thou who has brought us thus far along the way, thou who has by thy might led us into the light, keep us forever in the path we pray, lest our feet stray from the places, our god, where we met thee, lest our hearts, drunk with the wine of the world, we forget thee.

Shadowed beneath thy hand, may we forever stand true to thee, oh God, and true to our native land.

We truly give thanks for the glorious experience we’ve shared this day.

We pray now, oh Lord, for your blessing upon thy servant Barack Obama, the 44th president of these United States, his family and his administration.

He has come to this high office at a low moment in the national, and indeed the global, fiscal climate. But because we know you got the whole world in your hands, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations.

Our faith does not shrink though pressed by the flood of mortal ills.

For we know that, Lord, you are able and you’re willing to work through faithful leadership to restore stability, mend our brokenness, heal our wounds and deliver us from the exploitation of the poor, of the least of these, and from favoritism toward the rich, the elite of these.

We thank you for the empowering of thy servant, our 44th president, to inspire our nation to believe that yes we can work together to achieve a more perfect union.

And while we have sown the seeds of greed — the wind of greed and corruption — and even as we reap the whirlwind of social and economic disruption, we seek forgiveness and we come in a spirit of unity and solidarity to commit our support to our president by our willingness to make sacrifices, to respect your creation, to turn to each other and not on each other.

And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.

And as we leave this mountain top, help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques or wherever we seek your will.

Bless President Barack, first lady Michelle. Look over our little angelic Sasha and Malia.

We go now to walk together as children, pledging that we won’t get weary in the difficult days ahead. We know you will not leave us alone.

With your hands of power and your heart of love, help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nations shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid, when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around . . .

. . . when yellow will be mellow . . .

. . . when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. Let all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen.”